


With Love

by laisy_dazy



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: Angst, M/M, Romance, Slice of Life, non-au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:01:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25505611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laisy_dazy/pseuds/laisy_dazy
Summary: Two old lovers catch up.
Relationships: Jung Yunho /Kim Jaejoong
Comments: 12
Kudos: 42





	With Love

**Author's Note:**

> Putting a link at the beginning of the fic. I recommend listening to it while reading, as I have listened to it while writing. :)

[With Love Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5BRrOOcb7CFHntmEbrhJy6?si=j9yR9J3RQqWo8HWEM5I5Tw)

Yunho is lightly bobbing his head to the music on the radio. He hasn’t memorised the lyrics completely, but he knows enough of it to move along to the tune. It’s from a new group that’s taking South Korea by storm, Yunho thinks they sound promising. He taps his fingers on the stirring wheel, voicing out a word or two, enjoying the spirited melody. 

The stoplight turns red, and the song fades out. He takes the short time to look around the familiar street. Seoul in autumn. It’s been a while since he’s seen Seoul’s golden autumn. He misses it, but only a little bit. Moving back to Gwangju was probably one of the best decisions he’s ever made.

How ironic is it that he’s the one coming all the way from Gwangju to visit Jihye’s Gangnam residence?

Ever since he retired, Seoul didn’t feel right for him anymore. It had already served its purpose, taking him in during his career, being his playground while he was living out his youth and chasing his dreams. And now, now it’s all over. He has no use for it anymore, no reason to stay. He doesn’t belong there, Uknow Yunho did, but he’s come to realise that Jung Yunho was a much simpler man.

**_TVXQ Final In Seoul_ **

_Yunho stares at the banner on the wall. It has a photo of him and Changmin, looking cooly at the camera, they still had it, even in their final years as performers._

_“Hyung, you and I, we’re going to be TVXQ even after all this, forever, no matter what. You know that, right?”_

_He looks at Changmin who sits beside him. 30 minutes before call time._

_It’s something he and Changmin had subsequently done less and less frequently over time, the pep talk with each other, sitting together like they are at the moment, but Yunho guesses the man who had unwaveringly stood by him all these years wanted to let him know how much this—he— meant to him one last time, even if he didn’t need to. Yunho already knew, Yunho knew very well._

_He smiles at Changmin, taking in the comfort of the person whose presence has lent him strength and courage without fail through the years. “I know,” he voices out, but it doesn’t stop him from being scared._

* * *

"Yunho oppa!" his sister immediately hugs him, followed by a kiss on the cheek as he walks into her home.

Jihye had adjusted to motherhood really well. There is tiredness in her eyes, but she glows the way people describe women who were made to be mothers glow. She loves her life and family dearly. She always knew what her future was going to be, Yunho knew, their parents knew. Of the two of them, she was the more clear-cut, steadfast one. Yunho is almost sure she’s the favourite.

"How was the drive? I’m glad you could come a day early. Mom and dad have been bugging me about keeping you from being late tomorrow!" She takes his coat and walks him to the living room. "I have your room prepared, but just tell me if you need extra pillows or blankets."

Yunho only nods, noticing how quiet it is. "Where’s your husband and the kids?"

“Oh, they went out for movies. Eunchae is here though, she’s in her room."

"Too old to go out with her old man?"

"Too busy preparing. She has a date."

Yunho suddenly perks up, eyes big, a little frozen.

She has a what?

His baby angel of a niece, _has a what_?

"A date?" his voice is louder than it should have been.

"Oppa, she’s 15."

"Exactly, I know what 15 year olds are up to."

Jihye shakes her head, and laughs at her brother. Yunho has always been protective, even towards her.

"I said yes. Her father said yes. She’s going to be fine." Yunho opens his mouth to reply, but before he does, the 15 year old bursts out of her room and tackles her uncle, wearing a smile from ear to ear. She has always adored him, no matter how infrequent she sees him. Her memories of him are always fun and full of fondness.

"Yunho samcheon!"

"I heard you have a date," he kisses her forehead before letting her go.

Jihye observes him with an amused smile, noting that he is trying his best not to sound annoyed. 

"Yes, I do! My first ever one!" She twirls around in her pretty yellow dress. She has make up on, done by herself with only a little help from her mother, and even then, all Yunho can see is the gummy baby he held in his arms all those years ago. "Am I pretty?"

No boy can ever be worthy.

Yunho doesn’t answer, and instead counters her with his own questions, "So who is this date of yours?"

"His name is Gunee."

"From school?"

Eunchae looks at Jihye, who encourages her to answer, before turning back to her uncle, "Yes. He’s a senior." She says it with hearts practically flying out of her eyes.

"A senior?" The alarm bells go off in Yunho’s head again.

"They’re meeting at a cafe, and her father will pick her up. Two hours. It’s just going to be a friendly two hour date." Jihye butts in with the softest, most reassuring smile, still, Yunho makes up his mind that this innocent, precious niece of his isn’t leaving the house without him chaperoning.

* * *

It’s three in the afternoon. The weather is as perfect as it can be in a very cold autumn season, the sun is up, the sky is blue, and the golden leaves are a warm sight to behold.

In a hearty little cafe in central Seoul, a nervous young man is sitting across his uncle, who is trying his best to boost his confidence. 

"You’re a handsome, and kind boy, and whoever this Eunchae is, will be lucky to have you as a date." 

Gunee is sulky, a pout on his lips, not liking how hard his heart is pounding. He is older than her by a few years, but Eunchae is pretty, and smart, and talented, and to be honest, he never imagined getting this far. How did the freshmen class president end up saying yes to a nerdy theatre kid like him? He was more prepared for rejection than an actual date. 

He wished he was more like his uncle. Witty. Confident. Good looking—extremely good looking.

"Here. Loosen up," his uncle slides across a small shot glass of whiskey, and he takes it, face scrunching up at the unfamiliar burn running through his throat. 

"Don’t tell your mother I gave you that," his uncle winks at him, but he only gets more nervous. "Remember what I told you."

He closes his eyes and sighs, "Tell nothing but the truth. Always listen to what she has to say. Never cut her off. Ask her what she likes. Use that for future reference. Hold her hand, not too tight, not too loose, it will get sweaty, but never rub on my clothes. Don’t order anything chocolate. Make sure I have mints."

"And?"

"And at our age, no kissing on the first date, no tongue, at least. Save that for college."

Nice. The older man beams him a smile before taking a swig of his beer. The innocence charms him. Memories of his own youth assail, he had experimented on much more naughty things when he was his nephew’s age. He shakes his head to himself, his mother would’ve collapsed if she knew everything he’d been up to when he was younger.

Their situations are a lot different, of course, an afternoon date at a cafe was nothing compared to the midnight parties at hotel rooms he had during his younger years. Sex, drugs, booze, and the lot. No way is he ever going to let Gunee do all that. Not under his watch.

"I just have one more question, I—" the boy is cut off when the tiny bell at the entrance rings, turning around, he sees his date entering, accompanied by a very tall, handsome, older man.

Gunee’s eyes grow wide and his jaw drops down. She has never mentioned anything much about her family. He realises, he should’ve asked.

* * *

"Okay, if you can’t reach your dad, you know my number, right? I’ll be around the area so contact me first, your mom will take longer to get to you." Yunho is looking at his niece intently as they walk, making sure she is listening to every word he says. "The extra money I gave you, that’s for emergencies only. You need to let him know about your allergies, please don’t ignore them just so you can impress a boy. And I swear to god if I find out you leave this cafe without your father—," he is interrupted by a loud gasp, and his eyebrows knit together when he sees her cover her mouth with her hands, clearly surprised by whatever she saw.

"Youngwoong Jaejoong!" It’s the name she knows him by. She knows it from the old albums she’s dug out from her grandparents’ home, she knows it from the old TVXQ memorabilia her uncle has lying around, she knows it from all the videos she’s looked up about them. She’s seen him on television occasionally, but she doesn’t think she’s ever met him in the flesh. 

Yunho looks up, and it is like how it is in the movies. Time moves slow, and everyone else is gone. They lay their eyes on each other, equally surprised. 

It’s been so long.

Jaejoong. 

There he is with his blond hair, skin still fair, lips still pink and plump, eyes still large and deep, and it’s still so easy to get lost in them. Maybe there are a number of wrinkles under his eyes, but it doesn’t matter, he is as beautiful as ever.

That beautiful face. Yunho could never forget.

_"Wake up," there is a faint whisper against his ear, and it’s followed by feathery kisses just right by his nape._

_"Wake up!" This time there is a sharp bite on his neck._

_It’s too perfect to wake up. It’s warm, and he’s naked, and satisfied, and he never wants to leave the bed._

_"Yunho, wake up, your manager will be here in a few minutes."_

_Yunho turns to his back, grabbing the body beside him, hauling him close against his chest. Without opening his eyes he speaks, a little bit annoyed at his schedule. "Tell him I still want to have sex. No, a fuckathon for the rest of the day."_

_"If I say that, your manager will never drive you to my apartment ever again, and he’ll call Changmin and his wrath will rain on both of us," Jaejoong laughs, and Yunho finally opens his eyes because he wants to see him, he likes seeing him laugh._

_The first thing that greets his vision is his lover’s beautiful face, staring up at him with nothing but adoration._

_The sun hasn’t even gone up yet, nothing but a dim lamp illuminates Jaejoong’s features, and yet his smile is clear as day, so warm, and unafraid. Yunho loves it when he makes Jaejoong feel unafraid even when they’re about to say goodbye._

_He’s gorgeous, it didn’t matter if he was smiling at him like he is now. Or if he’s singing his heart out on stage, vulnerable and raw. Or if he’s angry and brazen in speaking his own truth. Or if he’s underneath him, out of breath from pleasure. Every single time, he’s gorgeous._

_Yunho pulls him down for a kiss, a lot can be done in a few minutes._

"You didn’t tell me your uncle was—" the teenagers speak in unison, both surprised by the presence of the grown ups accompanying them. Uknow Yunho and Youngwoong Jaejoong face to face at this day and age. There are no cameras, no swarming fangirls, no news article that would come out and reach international headlines, those times are long gone. Instead, they have a niece and a nephew who look at either of them, eyes shifting to and fro.

Jaejoong is the first to smile.

"Hey." 

* * *

Yunho is standing across the street of the cafe, he looks over to the large window, watching his niece enjoy her date. He sees her giggling at whatever it is Gunee had told her. Having a date to get to know each other was a good idea, as the two clearly didn’t know much of each other’s personal lives. He still can’t believe that out of all the teenage boys in South Korea, Eunchae was on a date with Jaejoong’s nephew.

After the small shock from everyone’s first meeting, things actually went well. The two left the young ones on their own. Somehow, having celebrity uncles who were in one of Asia’s biggest boy groups was a great point of conversation.

"Stop being so nervous," Jaejoong walks closer to him. "Look, I gave Gunee solid dating advice."

"All the more reason to be worried." It earns him a rough punch on the arm, "Ow!"

"You think I would let him make all the mistakes I did?" Jaejoong replies indignantly. 

They look at each other for a second, it was an offhanded remark, but the words linger. 

Tears. Shouting. Shattered plates. Dented car doors. Burnt jackets. Flying soda cans. Slamming doors. Unwanted silence. One night stands. Sneaky date nights. Other men. Other women. Lawsuits. Imposing grown ups. Naive trust. Songs that shouldn’t have been written. Songs that should’ve been written. Messages left unsent. Unwanted drunk calls at two in the morning. A glass of whiskey. A handful of pills. A minute of being late. A year of being too early. Broken promises. Misplaced ‘I love you’s’, and resonant ‘I hate you’s’.

Mistakes. They’ve scarred each other with so many. 

"Come on," Jaejoong breaks the silence, and Yunho blinks. "Is there anywhere you have to be?" he asks.

"No."

"Then we should catch up, shouldn’t we?" Jaejoong starts walking. Yunho follows.

* * *

Yunho takes, what seems to be, the hundredth glance to his phone. No messages, no calls, no nothing. He takes it as a sign that the date is going well, even so, he has an undeniable urge to send his niece a message, just to make sure.

"Yun. Ho. Sam. Cheon. A worried old man~" Jaejoong singsongs as he observes him.

They are walking down the main road. Years ago, unless it was the wee hours of morning, or dead at night, they never would have been able to do so. 

"Yunho, you know Gunee. You were with me, flowers in your hands, when we visited my sister in the hospital, you held him and said he was an angel. You attended his third birthday, and he still has that Ferrari mock up you gave him for his fifth."

"It’s just that she’s growing up so fast."

Jaejoong lets out a small laugh. He knows the feeling, his own nieces are growing up too fast for his own liking as well. "He hasn’t changed, you know? Not by much. He’s still that sweet, gentle boy. Besides, isn’t it a relief that Eunchae is with someone you actually know? I know I was relieved when I found out he was dating _your_ Eunchae."

"I know, but I swear, if Gunee breaks her heart—"

"If there’s going to be a heartbreaker between them, don’t you think it’s going to be Eunchae?" He says in a teasing manner.

But Jaejoong does have a point, and Yunho laughs at that. "How do you deal with it? Watching your nieces and nephews grow up? I look back at all the shit we did when we were younger, and I just can’t—"

"Yunho, they’re not living the lives we did. Also, you just have to trust them. We turned out alright didn’t we?" 

"Did we?" He answers, half joking, and Jaejoong sticks his tongue out.

"They’ll be fine," Jaejoong reassures him, and somehow it works. He feels lighter. The Kim Jaejoong effect, still there even after all this time. 

Jaejoong leads them down to a quieter, smaller, street. "I don’t get recognised as much as before, but it’s just to be sure. I know a real good food stall nearby," he says. This is a part of his long career that Yunho doesn’t miss, all the sneaking around, unwanted attention, lack of privacy. He still does get recognised, but to a pleasant degree, with only the occasional overzealous fans. 

He can imagine that Jaejoong gets it a lot more these days.

Jaejoong is the only one who hasn’t retired yet. Yunho didn’t think he ever would anyway. He was always made to be loved on stage. 

Yunho loved performing, the grind of it, the adrenaline, the obsessive compulsion to live his artistry, and yes, the screaming fans who were practically worshipping them were a big hype for his ego. Commanding a whole stadium was his drug, but Jaejoong, Jaejoong _needed_ to be heard and be beloved, it’s his oxygen. He needed the veneration more than anything, more than the money, the charts, or being able to sing or express himself. He’d do anything to be loved, even if it cost him his principles and sanity sometimes. It’s the reason why no matter how many controversies or set backs are thrown at him, he manages to survive. Yunho knew that well, Jaejoong’s love for being adored by everyone was something he had to compete with back then.

Jaejoong has moved into a more independent space in the music industry though, writing all his own songs, doing his own productions. He’s still somewhat big in Japan, although with a narrower demographic. He enjoys creating on his own fruition, and having the much deserved free time. It took quite a bit to get used to the limited popularity, but it looks like he finally found a good balance, and perhaps being beloved by everyone wasn’t the be all and all meaning of his career anymore.

"Pretty hard to blend in with that blond hair. Even at this age, huh?"

Blond does fit him the best though.

"What do you mean _this age_? I’m thirty," Jaejoong says as a matter of factly.

It breaks Yunho into his second laugh. "Your wrinkles beg to differ," he replies, feeling a little bit more comfortable with him.

Jaejoong scrunches his nose and takes out his phone, using the camera as a mirror to check himself, "They are there, aren’t they?" He feigns a frown, but is not offended at all. "Still pretty though."

"Of course. Always."

They find their way to a small food tent. It is a little dingy, but indeed a lot quieter. There are signs here and there, with neon lights resting as they are to light up the street later in the night. 

The way the pudgy old lady manning the makeshift restaurant boisterously greets and fuzzes over them as they walk in through the vinyl lets Yunho know that Jaejoong probably comes by often. They get seated in arguably the best table, right next to the electric heater, by the far corner. There are only two other customers at the time, but extra reclusiveness is always welcome.

Jaejoong asks Yunho if he wants anything, but he says none in particular, so the older one orders for both of them. Before leaving with their orders, the woman asks how he’s been, and Jaejoong answers back politely, telling her he’s sorry he couldn’t come by more frequently.

Yunho watches Jaejoong, it’s strange, being together like this. Jaejoong looks familiar, but he isn’t. Not really. He hasn’t crossed his mind in a while, and he thinks perhaps his memory of him had gotten hazy. Has he always had that tattoo? How many piercings did he have again? Did he get his nose done? Was his smile always that…radiant?

After their short chat, the woman catches Yunho looking, and the way she smiles at them knowingly makes Yunho a little uncomfortable, but he tries not to mind it. 

"You like this place, huh?"

"It tastes like 1999 here, so yes."

Yunho laughs again. 1999 was indeed a delicious time. 

It doesn’t take long before the lady comes back, holding onto as many plates as she could. She lays everything down, kimbap, _fried kimbap_ , rabokki, beef soup, fried fish cakes, skewered chicken, mandu, pajeon, extra spicy kimchi, and tofu with soy sauce. It looked like Jaejoong ordered the whole menu.

"I’m so hungry," he says before digging in, taking a hot skewer, and biting off big chunks of it. "Remember when we could barely afford a stick of this? We had to share one for the whole dinner."

Yunho doesn’t reply. He only watches him as he devours the skewer and moves on to the soup, slurping spoonfuls, before grabbing a piece of kimbap with his chopsticks, eating everything with such a ferocious appetite. 

Jaejoong is eating.

He’s eating his heart out.

He enjoys food a lot more than he remembers. 

Yunho smiles at that.

Jaejoong eventually notices that Yunho hasn’t touched anything, and that he has eyes plastered on him. He pauses. It’s a little awkward.

"What?" 

"You’re eating."

"What?"

"You’re eating. A lot. You never eat."

Jaejoong never liked eating. When they broke up as a group, it became even worse. An apple, a cup of coffee, a cigarette, a pill. Jaejoong only enjoyed food when he was feeding it to someone else, so when he couldn’t, he barely stomached any of it. 

Yunho has memories of rubbing his back as he threw up, of having to call him several times a day to remind him to have a meal, and Jaejoong would lie about it. He remembers feeling heart broken as his hands felt bone against bare skin, of holding him protectively because he’s afraid he could break any time.

But that was long ago.

Jaejoong rolls his eyes at him, a licking sauce off the side of his lips as he speaks. "My wife…ex-wife never finished anything I made her—I mean, she loved it, but she said she had a small stomach, so I learned how to eat all her leftovers."

Yunho has heard about that. The wedding, and the eventual divorce. It was a few years ago. There were articles about it, the long dramatic story. Kim Jaejoong divorcing his wife of three years. There were rumours of infidelity, huge fights, a play for money, inconsolable differences, every outlet had a different take. Yunho had been in the industry long enough to know not to trust most of it. 

When Jaejoong mentions her, he notices the flash of sadness in his eyes. This woman, the woman who had taught Kim Jaejoong how to eat, something even he couldn’t do, is no longer with him. That must be heartbreaking.

"I’m sorry, I really am." Yunho says. He’s never seen Jaejoong be so deeply sentimental about anyone else before. Just then, he knew he loved her dearly. 

"She said it best though, she said we were no longer in love at that point of our marriage, we just didn’t want to be lonely, but we both mistook being alone for being lonely, and we’ve both become lonely even when we were together."

"It must’ve been incredibly hard."

"No, no, it was a good thing. It does feel freeing, for the most part. I learned the difference of being alone and being lonely, and now, even when I am alone, I don’t think I feel lonely anymore, not really."

It feels like Jaejoong may be opening up too much in such a short time, but Yunho appreciates it. If there was anyone who would spill his heart out on their first meeting, it would be Jaejoong. 

He stares at him. He sounded strong, and at peace. It stings a little bit, in that selfish piece of him, because he feels like he’s no longer part of this side of Jaejoong. He would’ve wanted to be one of the reasons he was happy. Jaejoong always used to be his comfort, the unchanging, the one who ties him up to the memories of his past, of some of the best times of his life. It was probably unfair to him sometimes, the way Yunho kept him in that place just because he wanted someone to come home to.

But everyone does move on. He has moved on, and it’s only fair that Jaejoong has as well. 

"I really am sorry. I—When the news came out I didn’t even send you a message—"

"It’s nothing. We were barely friends by then." Jaejoong looks at him, he says it flatly. There’s no bitterness to his tone, he was merely telling the truth, and Yunho nods at that. 

He turns to the old lady by the cashier, signalling her for a bottle of soju. She is quick to arrive, handing down the open bottle, and two small glasses.

Yunho expertly shakes it, pouring into Jaejoong’s glass, and then to himself. "A shot. On me. A few years too late."

Jaejoong watches him with amusement, "It’s still daylight."

"Since when has that stopped you?"

"Touché."

They toast, and swallow the small portion of liquid, the sensation they’re well acquainted with cascades down their throat.

"Jung Yunho, buying me a bottle of soju. I didn’t think this day would come."

They exchange an amused head shake before digging into their food again. It might’ve been the alcohol, but there is a warm feeling that spreads through their stomachs.

Yunho finally takes his first bite, and the taste in his mouth triggers a sense of elation. The food stall is small enough to be able to serve truly home cooked food. It tastes like home, a hearty, nostalgic Korean home. Jaejoong was right, it did taste like 1999.

"God I miss this," Yunho, leans back, his mouth still filled with the noodles and fishcake he so earnestly took a big serving of. "I haven’t had home made food in a long time."

Jaejoong stops, taken aback by what he said. He looks back at him with disbelief. "You live alone?"

"Yup."

He takes a moment to swallow down his food, and inches closer to his companion. "You’re telling me that the legendary king himself, has not yet found a queen, or perhaps another king?"

Yunho’s mind takes a moment to get over the high from the flavours in his tastebuds. He quiets himself for a second. He thinks about it. He wants to answer truthfully, he owes Jaejoong at least that for being so candid with him earlier.

Yunho has been deeply in love, but he’s never found someone he truly wanted to spend his whole life with. Maybe marriage was never for him, even though he always thought he’d be a family man growing up. Maybe seeing his sister live it out was enough.

"No, I’ve come close to proposing…a few times, but it just didn’t feel right." 

"Really? Even to that girl you dated for years, the one your friends loved you to be together with? I reckoned they’d propose for you if you didn’t do it yourself," Jaejoong is a bit brash with his words, remembering the specific woman from his past. 

Yunho ignores him as he wipes his mouth, getting a little bit more serious with himself, "I think I can live like this though, dating around still. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything at all, at least not yet." To think that between them, it was Yunho who had been expected to take the more conventional route. He pauses. "My friends keep me company, good company."

Jaejoong knows who he’s talking about. He didn’t like his friends, and thinks he never will. But they are there for him, aren’t they?

They’ve done a much better job than he has, they’re people who have stuck out for Yunho no matter what. 

_Yunho checks his phone. 5 unread messages, and he has a dozen more he has lying open without responding._

_He thinks about maybe giving a call. Just one._

_Nah. He doesn’t need to._

_"Yunho! Stop looking at your phone."_

_"Yea, no, sorry."_

_He feels someone take his phone from him, the man frowns when he sees Jaejoong’s name on the screen. "You already spend too much time with him."_

_Another one of his friends, a little tipsy, but still quite controlled, nudges him with a glass of alcohol. "I mean, you said it didn’t you? You’ve been stressed. You need to have a life outside being TVXQ’s leader, right?"_

_And it’s true. He does. He deserves to be himself sometimes. There is a line, and everyday it gets even more blurred, and it’s good to remember where he came from, to have fun outside his life in the industry._

_"You deserve a night to yourself." He hears it, and he knows he does, so he decides to enjoy himself._

_He is cheerful when he comes home later that night. Stress has been relieved, he’s had a few extremely good laughs, a full stomach, and he’s drunk to a moderate level, he’s a little high, but a good high. It would be perfect if he could just go home, take a shower, and tuck himself in warm sheets. Maybe even better if Jaejoong sleeps on his bed._

_But when he enters their apartment, he’s greeted by a scowl._

_What the hell?_

_The fighting starts._

_Jaejoong is mad. He has no reason to be. Yunho replied, didn’t he? He told him where he would be, didn’t he? Jaejoong had no business sending tens of text messages when he knew exactly where he was and what he was doing anyway._

_Jaejoong goes off on him regardless, and he doesn’t like it. He can have fun. Why is Jaejoong always antagonising him whenever he decides to have fun?_

_What more does he have to prove to him?_

_"What? What did I even do wrong?" Yunho cuts him off._

_Jaejoong doesn’t answer, anger not leaving his face at all._

_"See? You can’t even say a thing, because you know that the answer is nothing! You’re just being selfish. You don’t know what it means to share the people you love!"_

_Yunho is being an asshole, but so is Jaejoong._

_Jaejoong stays in silence, because he knows Yunho is right. He is selfish, but it doesn’t help that it feels like_ his _Yunho slips away every time he’s with his friends. He doesn’t understand why. He knows he should be able to live a life outside their walls. Maybe he’s mad at himself too, for being so insecure, for believing in the worst of Yunho. He can’t understand why Yunho just can’t be the Yunho that belongs to TVXQ,_ his _Yunho._

There was a time when Jaejoong had wanted Yunho to choose, but that was unfair. His friends never meant any harm, not purposely, he hoped. They just didn’t know Yunho the way Jaejoong did, and in the same way, Jaejoong didn’t know Yunho the way his friends did.

And maybe Yunho needed both those versions of him to exist, to be accepted.

It used to be a point of contention between the two of them, but hearing that, Jaejoong feels nothing but relief that they are still with him through all these years. He never had the same luck with a lot of his own. 

He smiles. Genuinely. "That’s great to hear. I’m happy for you."

"You know, it’s just that, I’m sure the right person will come. I don’t mind waiting. Isn’t it funny? The older I got—the less time I have—the more patient I became."

Jaejoong seems impressed with Yunho’s words and he raises a glass. "Cheers to that, my long lost friend," and they both drink down another shot of soju. 

"Ahh. It tastes even better after the soju." Yunho says as he goes back to his food.

Jaejoong laughs at him, and takes a good look. He notices that Yunho is thinner than how he’s used to. "Should I just start cooking for you again?"

"I wish."

"No, seriously. I can make you food. You can come over to my place. I have recordings scheduled for the next few days, but Tuesday night would be alright."

Yunho doesn’t answer, and Jaejoong is afraid he might’ve overstepped their current standing with each other. "Sorry, I don’t mean to impose—"

"No, no, it’s just that, I live in Gwangju now."

"Oh," there is a hint of disappointment in his voice.

"No—I mean—I’ll be staying for a week or so. So it’s actually great, Tuesday night is great." Jaejoong smiles at him, with that familiar lower lip bite that used to make his heart skip a beat.

Liar.

He leaves tomorrow.

He’s scheduled to leave tomorrow.

He did plan on extending.

He did.

A little bit.

Maybe.

Not really. 

He’s planning _now_.

* * *

It’s Tuesday, early in the evening, and Yunho makes his way down to the reception desk of the 5 star hotel he’s staying in. He asks for a cab, knowing that he’ll probably be drinking. The friendly receptionist makes a call, and assures him that his ride will arrive in a few minutes. He walks over to the luxurious lounge chairs to sit and wait, while picking some lint off the brand new set of pants he’d bought. He definitely didn’t bring enough clothes with him. 

The anniversary dinner with his parents went well. They’re healthy, both retired and enjoying a more relaxed life. Meeting them is never without the occasional worry and unwanted life advice, but he’s used to it, and getting to spend time with Jihye and the kids is something he always looked forward to. It was a lot of fun, and just like how Jihye was meant to be a mother, his parents were clearly meant to be doting grandparents.

It was a bit of a challenge convincing his sister to let him stay somewhere else. He argues that he doesn’t want to overstay, and that he doesn’t want to bother her with any of his upcoming schedules. He didn’t raise the point at the time, but he might want some privacy too, in case, anyone, someone, comes over, or stays over night. Or something. Maybe.

His family was equal parts delighted and surprised when he said he was staying for longer. 

They don’t know about dinner at Jaejoong’s. He doesn’t tell them. Yunho doesn’t exactly know why, feeling like a teenager sneaking out, but it wasn’t a big deal.

He had some other business to take care of. Yes, _other business._ It’s not a lie. He had made time for a few meetings, discussing some financing with potential partners in Seoul for the arts academy he was developing in Gwangju. He met up with a few friends as well, also taking up the time to check on some of his real estate investments in the city. 

Just earlier in the day, he dropped by SM’s building. Trainees were ecstatic to meet him, he even gave a quick dance lesson.

It was nice, driving around and visiting all the old places he used to frequent.

His cab arrives, and it is a short ride to the address Jaejoong had given him. He still lives at an expansive high end penthouse, but it’s in a location Yunho has never been to before. 

He’d been instructed to go to the top floor. Riding the elevator, he enters the code Jaejoong messaged him. 56098, they’re numbers Yunho no longer knows the significance of. 

Yunho has ridden a similar elevator to get to Jaejoong countless times before. It always felt like calm before the storm. Sometimes he’d be ecstatic, smiling alone like an idiot, and impatient about meeting his lover after such a long time, sometimes he’d already be filled with lust, ready to grab Jaejoong and push him up against the wall as soon as he came in. But there were also times when he’d be riled up in anger, pacing around, a litany of words already prepared to hurt Jaejoong, there were times when he’d have unshed tears in the corners of his eyes, fearful of what’s to come when he sees him.

That Tuesday night though, Yunho has his hands in his coat pocket, thumbs flicking his forefingers. He doesn’t really know what he’s feeling. Nervousness maybe, although he knows there’s nothing to be nervous about, he’s only meeting an old lover, an old friend. 

The bell finally dings and the elevator door slides open, he’s greeted by Jaejoong who is walking towards him from the sizeable kitchen. Jaejoong loved his kitchens. 

He looks a little more put together than when they had met a few days back. Yunho immediately notices his make up, it still looks pretty natural, but he can tell the difference. The eyeliner, dewier skin, and glossier lips. His hair is tousled nicely, falling in just the right spots. Everything goes well with his red sweater.

Yunho doesn’t think much of it, guessing that he may have come from a shoot. It helps him feel less guilty for not cleaning himself up more. 

"Yunho!" Jaejoong greets him warmly as he steps into his entrance. They exchange a quick and friendly hug, so much more comfortable with each other since the last time they met. "Come in!" Jaejoong leads Yunho to the huge sofa in his living room space.

The place already strikes Yunho, the interior looks completely different from any of the homes he’s owned before. Much less an image taken out of a magazine cover, and more personal and cozy. It’s a lot lighter, less of the black and white. It’s no longer that sexy bachelor pad that women he took in can’t seem to resist posting pictures of. There are none of the ostentatious furniture, like huge horse lamps and meticulous artistic pottery from Europe. Instead, Jaejoong had photo frames up on his walls, of family, of his friends, of trips he’s been to. There are still very fancy furniture, but they look much more personal to him. There are house plants, mismatched souvenirs, and some artwork made by his nieces and nephews. 

"Stay here. I just have to finish up in the kitchen."

"Should I help?"

"No. You’re still not allowed in my kitchen." Jaejoong laughs, and Yunho watches him head back to his cooking.

He doesn’t take a seat, instead he looks at the large shelf filled with an assortment of random trinkets, albums, books, and photos. 

Yunho walks towards it slowly, taking his time to examine everything that’s there. There are trophies from several award shows. _Kim Jaejoong, JYJ, TVXQ,_ he’s had several different titles written on the plaques. 

He finds mounted medals from his military service. Yunho smiles when he spots one that is identical to his own, a badge of attendance, dated on October 2, 2015. He traces a finger over it, remembering how it felt on his hands that day. It was handed at a closed ceremony for only those involved, no one knew a thing as the two of them stood beside each other to receive it. Not one soul knew that later that night they’d defiled one of the rooms in the military camp, intoxicated on emotions from being able to see each other publicly after so many years. Those were good times. 

He moves onto photos, Jaejoong has some with people whom Yunho has never seen before, many taken in different parts of the world. Jaejoong seemed to enjoy travelling a lot. There are photos of his family, even larger now with all the additional children, it looked chaotic, but Jaejoong can handle chaos. Then he reaches a photo of him and a woman, the illustrious ex-wife. She was years younger than him, but it’s almost impossible to tell. They were both glowing with happiness, he’s seen that in a lot of married couples. He doesn’t linger much on it, finding something else that catches his eye, something familiar to him.

There is an old photo, cased in cheap plastic, probably unchanged from the time it was first framed. It’s of them, all of them, when they were younger, bright eyed boys who could’ve never been prepared for what their career catapulted them into. It was taken backstage, minutes before they were set out to perform for the first time in front of an audience, it was a day after Christmas. One of them, he doesn’t remember who, had brought a disposable camera, and they played around with it to stifle their nerves.

He lets out a snicker.

"What’s so funny?"

Yunho turns to Jaejoong who is laying down a tray of food. He points to the photo, "I have this on my living room shelf as well."

Jaejoong decides to see it more closely, standing next to Yunho. It’s one of those things that was simply there, taking up space in his house, it’s been a while since Jaejoong has taken a good look of it. "We had no clue didn’t, we?"

"It was better that I didn’t know. I would’ve backed out and run for the hills."

"We never got to—," stand on stage together again. Yunho knows what he is about to say, they had many and many discussions and arguments over it.

"But did we need to?"

"We did, but never all of us at once, never at the right time and place."

Yunho agrees with him.

They look at more photos together, and it surprises Yunho when he finds one of the two of them, it was early on in their career. A photo of them in the practice room, Jaejoong carrying Yunho on a piggy back. He suddenly remembers it like it was yesterday. It’s funny how the brain works. Memories come to him, even the ones he thought he’d forgotten.

"Look at all the fun we were having."

"Best friends, you and I."

"Best friends didn’t give each other blowjobs and make out in dressing rooms."

"Still, best friends with added benefits."

"Yes, before our hearts started fucking things up."

"You mean our dicks?"

Jaejoong chuckles before moving back to setting up their dinner at the living room coffee table. Yunho stays a little bit more to explore his shelf. 

"You own Changmin’s books?"

"I try to keep up with everyone." Jaejoong looks up to see Yunho flipping through the first few pages of one of them. "I’ve never finished reading either of them."

Yunho nods, "You should. They’re really good."

"How is he?"

Yunho puts the book back, still moving onto other items in the shelf, "We’re planning to go to a cruise ship around Alaska together next year."

"Glad to hear that you two are still close. Junsu sends me postcards with family photos on holidays, but that’s about it. His children are gorgeous."

"You do know he’ll answer a call from you if you give him one right? Changmin." Yunho is finally done going around for a look and takes a seat beside him.

Lowering himself on the floor, he feels a little strain in his knees, all that wear and tear of abusing his body for so long, but he makes sure it doesn’t show.

"Well, maybe this time, I want to be called first."

Yunho shakes his head at that. Still so stubborn, both of them. "That’s stupid."

Jaejoong glares at him. "Is it? After all the years of me always reaching out to him, for once I would like him to call me."

"You sound like a scorned mother." Yunho teases him.

"Aren’t I?"

Yunho laughs, before he notices the familiar delicious scent of his favourite stew. He looks at the table, and unlike the array of food they’d devoured in the alley way, there is only one big pot, and two bowls of rice filled to the brim, and that is enough. The jiggae looks pretty, with all the tofu arranged neatly with the beef, the perfect yolk of two eggs sitting perfectly in the middle, and green onions decorating the top of the smoking red soup. His mouth waters instantly.

"This looks amazing."

"Eat your heart out," Jaejoong says, and Yunho doesn’t need to be told twice.

He takes a bite and it is exactly like how it was so many years ago. Jaejoong’s kimchi jiggae is still the best, and he didn’t realise how much he’s missed it.

"Fuck, this is good."

Jaejoong smiles at him, watching him slurp the soup form his bowl. Somehow he’s transported back to their old days back in the dorm, no worries in the world, with a warm meal to reward them for a tiring day. He loved that, making everyone feel good through his cooking, even if it was just for a short while.

The meal itself didn’t take much of their time. Yunho didn’t need much incentive to finish the whole serving. Before he knew it, it’s late in the evening, there are a few bottles of soju between them, and he’s already forgotten what Jaejoong is laughing about, but he laughs with him regardless, happy either way. 

Jaejoong was a great conversationalist.

"…what about you?"

What? He only gives him a blank stare, distracted by the mess of his laughter.

"What about you? What have you been up to in Seoul these past few days?"

"Nothing. A bunch of meetings here and there, dropped by SM. My parents’ anniversary lunch was fun."

"Do they know you’re here?" Jaejoong asks with a little bit of cheek, and Yunho rolls his eyes.

_No._

"You know they eventually ended up liking you right?"

"I know, would’ve made a great son-in-law."

"Well, Korean legislation was a few years too late, wasn’t it?" Yunho is a little bit tipsy, and he says it with a loose mouth.

Jaejoong pauses at his words, face falling serious. Yunho doesn’t remember if he’d let Jaejoong know that a long time ago he considered marrying him, somewhere, somehow. Judging by the way he reacted, he most likely didn’t.

"I—" 

Jaejoong stands up, "There’s something I want you to hear." He walks over to another room, coming back with a phone in his hands. "Wrote it. I’ve been working on it, and wouldn’t it be great if the passionate, veteran artist, Yunho, can give me notes?"

"You humour me."

"No, really, I’ve been wanting for someone to listen, you know, someone who doesn’t work for me."

Jaejoong takes a seat back down, and plays the the song, connecting the phone to a speaker nearby.

It starts slow, there is piano before the guitar strings catch on, and then there it is, Jaejoong’s deep beautiful voice. He sounds a little bit different, it comes with age, but he is still as captivating as ever. You can tell that it’s the voice of someone who’d gone through a lot in life. Jaejoong has always been good at that, singing with his feelings, and as the years pass, he’s gotten even better at it.

The lyrics start to make more sense the longer they listen. For the first time, Yunho is listening to one of his songs like the rest of the world, an outsider, and yet he feels every word. It’s sad, it’s honest, and Yunho knows it’s not about him anymore.

Yunho closes his eyes.

_It’s raining hard. Jaejoong is waiting at a bus stop, somewhere in the outskirts of Seoul, there’s no one there to see them. No one needs to, no one should._

_Yunho arrives, walking out of his car. He’s a few minutes late. He doesn’t even bother with an umbrella as he strides to the shed Jaejoong is under._

_"I don’t understand you!" His words are angry, and hurtful, it’s the first thing he hears from the other man. They are way beyond pleasantries._

_"What?"_

_"November with Love." It’s all Jaejoong needs to say. "Why would you do that? You said you didn’t want me anymore."_

_"I don’t."_

_"Then why did you write that song for everyone to hear, for me to hear?"_

_Yunho watches him, tears almost spilling out but they don’t._

_"Who said it was about you?" He knows it’s a weak defense, but he’s got nothing else._

_"November is mine. You know that!"_

_November did belong to Jaejoong. November, the first day of snow, it was barely falling, but against the cold wind, Jaejoong had asked Yunho to kiss him, then and there, drunk, but he meant what he said. Yunho did what he was asked, with a hoodie pulled over his face, in a spot where anyone could see. Yunho kissed him under the night sky, out in the open. He’s never done it before, but he didn’t stop, tearing down that wall Jaejoong told him he always had._

_Just like the lyrics he’d written in the song, time did stop since then._

_Yunho continues to lie."Didn’t you see the interviews? I said it was about the time I—"_

_"Bullshit!" Jaejoong pushes him on the chest, and he almost falls, getting even wetter as he steps out of the roofed shed. "I called you, several times. I asked you if you still loved me, you said no. But what is this?"_

_Yunho doesn’t even know the answer. He’s just fed up. He doesn’t have the energy to face Jaejoong like this. "Maybe it’s payback. For all the songs about me. For the ones that made me go back to you, only to get my heart broken again. For the times you manipulated me to come back to you when you knew I couldn't, when you knew I shouldn’t!"_

The song ends, Yunho turns to Jaejoong who had been watching him the whole time. He looks at him, expecting his words.

"You still like writing about the most painful things, don’t you?"

Yunho never liked that, hearing all the personal things out in the air for all to hear. He never liked it when Jaejoong gave too much of himself to the public.

It’s clear to him that deep inside there were still parts of Jaejoong that were unchanged. Jaejoong looked so happy, he looked so much better, and perhaps he is. But there’s that piece of him that’s broken, and will always be broken. Yunho knows, because there are parts of him that will be always be broken as well. For people like him, like them, it’s probably going to be that way forever. The only way to get through it is to be stronger, and Jaejoong is exactly that, stronger.

"Ahh. Pain. I can sit with it, and let myself dwell, or I could exploit it and have some power over it. I only play by this world’s rules. It seems to be working, whatever I go through is my currency, and it affords me all this, plus, bonus a kick of catharsis," Jaejoong says, looking around his home. He’s not bitter about it, not anymore. He is what he is, and the world runs the way it runs, he can’t change either of that.

Yunho let’s out a sardonic breath. "We were in the business of creating dreams at the expense of our own nightmares, but hey, it got us what other people would die for."

"The people who get die before giving up their soul to get all this are the lucky ones," Jaejoong says, obviously reeling from his deep thoughts.

"You know, it’s all messed up, we were messed up, but I don’t think I regret any of it, I don’t think I can. It was my life, and I wouldn’t exchange it for anything, we had low lows, but being able to feel like we were on top of the world is something that still hits me like a dream. It was cloud nine, wasn’t it?

"You and I have very different career peaks."

Yunho shakes his head at him. He knows that, but he also knows Jaejoong’s career was far from being insignificant. "But, I mean, look at us now? Just living our lives like any other person."

"Mmmm," he hums in musing.

"We made a lot of people happy, Jaejoong. We were loved. You’re happy, aren’t you?"

"I am, I actually am." Jaejoong says, looking back at Yunho with sincerity.

"You are, still…so _emo._ That hasn’t been fashionable since 2006," Yunho chooses to digress, not meaning to put Jaejoong in such a serious mood. He teases him, and it works because Jaejoong grins.

"Calling me names? After I invite you to my house for dinner?"

"It was a good dinner?"

"Good?"

"The best dinner I’ve had."

They smile at each other, continuing where they left off, talking, and Jaejoong puts on a more cheerful song for Yunho to listen to.

Jaejoong lets Yunho help with at least washing the dishes. They’ve chatted for too long, too distracted to tell the time. It’s already way past midnight. The two of them stand next to each other by the sink, not bothered by the silence between them. Jaejoong is soaping, Yunho is rinsing, it was a simple enough sharing of tasks. 

Yunho feels Jaejoong’s shoulder against him as he passes the plates. There is a familiar feeling in his gut, one he doubts ever went away. Time feels slower when they’re like this.

He takes a moment to stare, watching him from the side, eyes drifting down the exposed side of his neck, and traveling back up to his lips. The man is humming a tune he doesn’t know, and for some reason it dawns on him, how bizarre it is to be washing the dishes, past midnight, with Jaejoong right beside him.

This man who he knew more than anyone, and yet doesn’t anymore. 

This could’ve been them every night.

"Yunho…"

"Yunho!"

Yunho suddenly feels it, wetness on his belly. He looks down at his side of the sink. The water was running headily, the plates were blocking the drain, and the soapy liquid had spilled over. His shirt is drenched, and he didn’t even notice it.

Jaejoong quickly pushes him to the side and drains everything quickly, hastily rinsing off the few remaining items in the sink, and expertly laying them on the dish rack. He doesn’t forget to pull a larger towel from one of the cabinets to cover the spreading spill on the floor.

He chuckles when he looks over to Yunho. "God, you can’t even do dishwashing right."

"Sorry."

"Your shirt is wet!" He grabs a hand towel, dabbing it carefully over his abdomen. Jaejoong is near him again, nearer than he’s ever been in a long time. 

Yunho can smell his hair, he can feel his warmth, he can feel his hands grazing his skin, and tugging onto his shirt. 

"It’s fine!" There is a slight panic, because of a well acquainted sensation that is starting to dangerously course through his veins.

"No, it’s not, you’re wet."

"It really is fine."

"Oh stop being so stubborn," Jaejoong looks up to him, and their faces almost touch, and the annoyed expression on his face vanishes immediately. He feels like he’s hypnotised. It’s disarming to be so close. Jaejoong had forgotten about their heights. It used to be a funny inside joke between them, how they had the perfect heights for kissing each other. All Jaejoong has to do is tip his head a little bit closer and their distance would close.

They stare at each other for a while, not really knowing what to do, breaths lingering between them. It suddenly feels hotter, and their cheeks suddenly grow redder. There is something that starts clogging up their throats. Something inside the both of them awakens, and the familiar proximity is disorienting. It almost makes them dizzy.

"I-I’ll get you a new shirt." Jaejoong says it in barely a whisper. They break eye contact, and he moves quickly to get him one, but Yunho thinks he really doesn’t have to, it’s too much. 

And he doesn’t trust himself to remove any article of clothing around Jaejoong, not anymore, not now.

"Jaejoong, no—" He grabs his hand out of instinct, keeping him from leaving, and Jaejoong is caught off guard by his cold fingers.

He turns back, and Yunho let’s go immediately. "I—I mean, you don’t have to, you really shouldn’t, and I should get going anyway. I’ll grab a cab, it’s a short ride to the hotel. I’ll wear my coat over it, it’s nothing."

Jaejoong nods weakly, trying to pull himself together, taking a deep breath. "No, yea, yea. I understand, it’s getting late," he wipes his hand with a towel, and tidies up a little bit. Yunho picks up his phone to contact a ride home while Jaejoong finishes up.

They both quietly head to the entrance. Jaejoong hands Yunho his coat, patting out imaginary dust off it while doing so.

"Make sure that doesn’t get wet as well."

"I’ll change as soon as I get home."

"Good boy," Jaejoong breaks a smile. "I guess, I’ll see you when I see you?"

"Thanks, Jaejoong."

Yunho should’ve turned around, and Jaejoong should’ve pressed the button for the door, but neither of them do any of that. They linger, again. Both just stand there, awkwardly, not knowing what to do with themselves.

Jaejoong licks his lips, and he doesn’t know why he’s staring at the button on Yunho’s shirt collar.

"Jaejoong," as if he’d been waiting for it, he looks up, maybe a little more eager than he had wanted to appear.

Yunho is looking down on him, gazing at his eyes. He counts his breaths. 

He’s nervous, but for what?

There is a complicated cluster of knots in his stomach. But since Yunho touched him earlier, all he can do is want more of him.

They stand there, for even longer, in even deeper silence.

He used to know exactly what Yunho wanted, but the man he is facing now, he is somewhat of a stranger, and Jaejoong cannot even read his expression. 

What does he want?

Is he?

He’s—

Yunho lowers his face slowly to meet his, they’re close, even closer than they had been earlier. 

Closer and closer, and it’s Jaejoong who finally breaks the gap. They kiss, softly at first, and then Yunho decides to take it deeper, hands holding him by the waist, and soon Jaejoong circles his arms around his neck. 

It’s not rushed or anything, they just feel each other out, like two strangers figuring out their attraction for the first time. It’s a little bit clumsy, and Jaejoong has to tilt his head, because Yunho accidentally hits his nose with his own, but it’s all sweet and delicious nevertheless. 

The longer they kiss, the more it feels like there is a fire igniting between them, and Jaejoong chances pressing more of his body against Yunho, and he doesn’t resist, hands moving lower, grip a little tighter.

It lasts for a while before they separate, foreheads still against one another. Yunho is breathing heavily against him. Both of them are trying to figure out what the other is thinking. There’s nothing to read.

Yunho finally breaks the silence, and they pull away. "Bye," he says it in a low voice, with a small, unsure smile playing on his lips. 

"Bye," Jaejoong breathes out. He finally finds it in him to move away and press for the door. He watches Yunho disappear behind the sliding partition.

* * *

Yunho is sitting in the farthest seat at the back of a lecture hall in Seoul National University. The room is decently packed, with students listening intently.

He looks over to the lecturing stand. There he is, his partner for so long, talking in front of a college class. Yunho always knew he was smart enough to pull it off, Changmin had always been introspective, and he’s putting that big brain of his to good use.

He talks about music, the industry, and what it means to navigate around it in the current landscape.

_"I have all these experience and thoughts. It has to go somewhere."_ Yunho recalls Changmin saying on a plane ride to Japan once. He’d been writing ardently on his notebook, a can of beer on his tray table.

Two published books later, there are still people pestering him about writing a tell all story about his life as Choikang Changmin, and the secrets behind the TVXQ phenomenon, he’s mused about it. He tells Yunho maybe he’ll get into writing it eventually, when he’s ready to be completely honest and exposed to the rest of the world.

Yunho watches him proudly as he finishes answering the last question from one of the students. Maybe he has partial bias, but Changmin has not looked a day older than he was on the day of their final concert. 

There is a round of applause and the professor manning the special guest lecture gives his last words before handing Changmin a token of appreciation. Yunho slips out of the room inconspicuously, knowing that Changmin will take some time exchanging pleasantries with the other people in the hall.

He finds a smoking area nearby, and immediately lights up a cigarette as he looks around the vicinity. There’s a charming amount of auburn and golden trees in the campus, the leaves litter the faded salmon brick walkways. A few students pass by here and there. The buildings are tall and square, and Yunho imagines students looking out the windows, looking forward to the nearing fall break.

He knew Changmin would’ve wanted to study there as a normal college student, he was sure he would’ve passed SNU, and he would’ve thrived, but life had other plans. Yunho hopes the trade off was worth it.

Changmin arrives just in time for him to finish his stick, he walks to him, meeting him halfway, sharing a quick silly handshake that only the two of them knew how to do, it was like being kids who invented a secret pact for their secret club.

"Solid lecture."

"I saw you yawn several times."

"I was tired!" Changmin only scrunches his nose at him.

Just then, a young girl approaches them, a student maybe. She’s a little shy, not knowing what to do with herself. They’ve been recognised, Yunho thinks.

"Uhm. H-hi!" she greets them. She goes on about being a fan, and Yunho is surprised when she doesn’t even mention TVXQ.

She is there for Changmin and his books, and Changmin recognises her as one of the girls who’d listened enthusiastically in the first row of the lecture hall. 

He notices the book in her hands. "I—I was just wondering, if, uh, ah, maybe you can sign this?"

Changmin smiles at her and mumbles a ‘sure’, before signing it. She beams at them, and greets Yunho as well before she leaves.

Yunho isn’t used to it yet, Changmin getting approached for his books instead of being TVXQ.

"I thought you didn’t like giving out autographs?"

"I like the feeling of pens on book pages better than markers sliding down on albums covers."

Yunho laughs at him. That’s a very Changmin answer.

The younger man takes the lead, and they walk towards a vending machine. He takes some coins out of the pocket of his leather satchel bag, turning to Yunho before pressing anything. "Hot chocolate?"

"You know, I graduated to americano."

Changmin shakes his head, and hands him the can, when Yunho looks down, surely enough, it’s hot chocolate. He smiles at the warm drink. He did actually want hot chocolate.

Changmin does know him best.

They find themselves quietly sitting on one of the benches. They just stay in comfortable silence, no pressure to start conversation. They have time to spare before heading out. Changmin had invited Yunho to a photography exhibit by one of his friends. It doesn’t start until a few hours.

"So why are you here?"

"Parents’ anniversary lunch, remember?"

"No, I mean, why are you _still_ here?"

"I had some other business to take care of."

"Yea, right." Changmin turns to him purposely. The excuses that worked on his family could never work on him.

Yunho stays silent.

"Okay, fine. Then why did you call me up?"

"I wanted to see how you were doing? Can’t your hyung do that?"

"That’s chicken shit!" Changmin cracks something that sounds like the in between a scoff and a laugh. "Come on, hyung."

He calls him out. They’re not the type of friends who does those sort of things, causally checking up on each other, they never were, even when they tried to, it just didn’t feel right at all, so Changmin knows when something else is up.

They may not be conventionally close the way they are with others, but they trust each other with their lives. If Yunho told Changmin to jump off a cliff, he would, and it goes the same way for the other. They could go on weeks, or even months without talking, but if somehow, one of them needed the other, even at an ungodly hour, they would drop everything and head out instantly. No hesitations. No questions. And it doesn’t matter who they have to leave behind to attend to one another, they will. They don’t even know if the connection they have can be called friendship, they’re TVXQ, and that in itself is a relationship, it’s a relationship unique only to the two of them. 

And so it is natural that Yunho reaches out for Changmin when he needs someone to listen.

Yunho is silent once again, stealing a sip out of his hot drink, looking out into the distance, taking his time before he speaks. "I met him again."

Changmin immediately knows who it is.

"Oh."

"Yea."

"Typical for you to meet up with him, and then proceed to bother me about it days after." He jibes, but Yunho doesn’t laugh. 

"It was a coincidence. Eunchae went out on a date with his nephew. Can you believe that?"

Changmin _can_ believe it. Stranger things have happened. Along with being born a day apart, meeting in 2001 in a street fight, only to reunite in SM again, being grouped as trainees twice, landing in military events at the same time, and even having the same pieces of clothing when they don’t plan on it, coincidentally meeting during their nephew and nieces’ date isn’t at all surprising.

"And then he invited me over to his place."

Changmin doesn’t bat an eyelid. "And then?"

"I kissed him." Yunho turns to Changmin, "I didn’t mean to."

"You never do." It’s true, and it earns him a laugh from the older man. "So, the same Yunho who would shamelessly fuck Jaejoong any chance he got is worried about a mere kiss?" Changmin gets jabbed by a sharp elbow.

"I’m serious."

Changmin knows that, but it doesn’t stop him from being snarky. They sit in silence for a while, Changmin looking over at the sky, thinking about what he should say. 

He’s been through all of it. A collateral to everything the infamous _YunJae_ touched. He was there when they were in a bliss and no one could destroy them, he was also there when there was nowhere else for them to go but to crash and burn.

He remembers when Yunho was poisoned, the amount of pain and anger he saw in Jaejoong’s eyes, he’d never seen that before. The way he stayed with him even when everyone left, the way he lit up when they found out he was going to be okay, those moments are etched in Changmin’s memories. It’s when Changmin first realised how much Jaejoong loved Yunho. But if he’d loved him that much so early on, then it was probably only going to be a matter of time before it spills over, and the bottle, that can only hold in so much, cracks, and it did crack, it shattered. 

What they had was something that couldn’t be contained between just the two of them, it scorched everyone who cared, him included.

He helped them sneak out, one too many times. He lied for them, to managers, bodyguards, producers, fans, friends, lovers, and some relationships didn’t come unscathed. 

The first time they had a big fight, he’d been between them, and he’d never seen two passionate people so ready to hurt each other like that. He remembers crying about it, even jokingly saying at an interview that their fights would be so intense that he and Junsu would be tearing up. The audience would laugh, but in reality it wasn’t as amusing as it sounded. He thinks he was too young to have been through it.

When Yunho had dated a co-star after they’d just broken up, he had to be shit face drunk Jaejoong’s chauffeur for weeks. Yunho didn’t stop spiting him, flaunting her, letting Jaejoong know how much easier it is to be with her, how they had dinner with his parents, how a future with her was so much better for him. He did it all knowing how insecure Jaejoong could get, and it broke him. Changmin had to cover up Jaejoong several times so that fans couldn’t see him in such a pitiful state. He looked like he was in hell, and Changmin figured, maybe it was hell for him.

When Jaejoong’s very young woman at the time posted hints of their relationship online, he had to deal with Yunho obsessively following their updates, frustrated, angry, even livid. He had to stop his crazy idea of flying to Japan just to give Jaejoong a piece of his mind. " _Fucking idiot dating stupid ass social climbing bimbo whores! He’s going to ruin his own career!_ " Yunho had said it as if it was any of his business, they hadn’t even been talking. It was a mixture of jealousy and still wanting to protect the other man. Yunho never calls women _social climbing bimbo whores_ , but he seems to have a special filter for Jaejoong that antagonizes anyone who appears to wrong him, even if it could well be Jaejoong’s own fault.

They made each other insane.

What he hated the most was taking sides, having to fight even with Junsu, angel faced Junsu, because Yunho and Jaejoong couldn’t be together in one room.

Even if he wanted to, he wouldn’t be able to count the number of times Yunho swore it was _the last chance_ with Jaejoong. He wouldn’t be able to count the promises of forever, and the resolutions of not repeating the same mistakes. He was there for the countless breaks ups, and there for all the eventual reunions. Bliss and chaos.

He didn’t need the trouble of having to disregard his principles to stand by Yunho, just because _he is on his side_ , even when he knew Jaejoong is right sometimes. Perhaps, that had been his mistake earlier as well. Protecting Yunho meant protecting both of them, even if it meant being Jaejoong’s ally at times. He didn’t need the additional resentment, and he most definitely didn’t need extra stupidity in his life, oh and there were plenty of times both Yunho and Jaejoong were fuelled on nothing but.

But when they were good, they were untouchable. Soulmates, other halves, a team that worked like a well oiled machine, and as corny as it sounded, they were perfect puzzle pieces. Even TVXQ, when it was a group, was at its best when Yunho and Jaejoong were at their best. 

They were electric, but that’s a kind of love Changmin wouldn’t even wish on himself.

Losing them together was like finding out he no longer had an oasis of warmth to come home to, no matter how bad it got, the two of them were both there for him, and eventually he had to get used to only having one. He’d be lying to say it wasn’t hard. It may be dramatic, but the comparisons of them being his parents, were somehow accurate. They both did, to some extent, raise him. 

Loathe to admit, he loved them together, but there are only a few things in this world he hated more than watching them tear each other apart. 

Does he want to go through that again? 

Maybe he doesn’t have to.

Yunho has come far from all those years ago.

Changmin finally strays his eyes from the sky, and talks. "How is he?"

"He eats a lot more. He enjoys food. He doesn’t get mad when I tell him he has wrinkles."

"Practically a different man."

"But he remembers everything. All of it. I can tell when he talks to me, he smiles about it though, when he reminisces, even the difficult parts."

Changmin nods at his words. 

"He still makes wicked jiggae. He still writes the most heartbreaking songs, except he has this sense of self aware humor that comes with it this time. And his house, god, you should see his house, you wouldn’t think he lived there, and he’s just…he’s not afraid of himself anymore." 

Changmin listens to Yunho, moving closely to study his eyes. Through the years, he’s become an expert at reading them, Yunho let’s him. "You’re not in love with him anymore," he states, it’s not a question. 

"I know. Haven’t been for a long time."

"Then why?"

"I’ve been thinking about him a lot in these past few days. A lot. Like, last thing I think of before I go to bed, and the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning, a lot. I planned to leave last Sunday. I couldn’t say no to him, so I extended until Tuesday. It’s Friday now, and I’m still here. Fuck. Even after everything, Changmin. Even when I practically don’t even know him anymore."

"It scares you?"

"No, it’s the opposite. I’m here, thinking maybe, it’s finally the right time to fall in love with him again. This version of me, with his new version of himself. Am I being an idiot?"

Changmin breathes in, silent again, and Yunho is patient with him. He let’s him navigate his own thoughts.

"You think he is too? Ready, I mean."

"He kissed me back."

"That’s something he has no power over." Their physical attraction is simply something they can never deny, he’s seen them try to defy it, and fail too many times. Not being able to resist each other was both a fortitude of their relationship and a weapon they used against each other when they’re being vile.

"I don’t know then, but I’m willing to wait, to try, and then step back if it doesn’t work out."

Changmin feels immensely reassured to hear that. The old Yunho would never have been ready to step back if things didn’t work. Maybe Yunho is right. Maybe he has shed enough of his old self, the selfish, excessively impassioned parts of him. Maybe he can love Jaejoong without dangerously burning the ground they walked in.

But he just needs to be sure about something. "Would you still need a hoodie?"

"What?"

"If he asked you to kiss him on the street, would you still need a hoodie to cover your face?"

"I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t, but you know what? I don’t think he would even ask."

Changmin smiles at that.

Even if Yunho makes a mistake, even if everything collapses over the two of them again, Changmin thinks he’s also ready to be there to catch him, or even both of them, no matter how many more times if he needed to.

Changmin grew up as well.

He looks at the sky once again. All these years, even after all these years, it’s still the two of them. Changmin looks back, he tries to recall how much it hurts, how bad they were for each other so he can tell the older man to stop, but what wins over are memories of how amazing they used to be together. 

He takes a deep sigh, "I can’t believe I’m saying this. I think you should go for it, hyung."

* * *

Through his sunglasses, Yunho eyes a gaudy group of teenagers passing by. He thinks they’re too noisy for their own good. He is standing near the entrance of a buzzing amusement park with his precious niece. Eunchae has a second date with Gunee. The first one went well, exceedingly well that they had convinced their parents to let them go out on a whole day together. 

She is wearing a red dress this time, pretty and excited for their meeting. Her uncle still incessant on accompanying her. He is protective as ever, but she did not bother opposing, because having a free car ride is too sweet of a deal to pass off.

She looks over to him, and thinks it’s a little odd that he looks even more antsy than the first time Gunee took her out on a date. She figured her uncle Yunho would’ve felt more at ease by now. 

She shrugs it off. Old people.

"Samcheon! Don’t be nervous."

"I’m not."

Thinking that it’s no use to get on his bad side, a smile forms on her face when something else pops in her mind, "You shouldn’t be nervous about my date when you had a date with Jaejoong oppa."

"It wasn’t a date."

"Then what was it?"

"Two old friends catching up to one another."

"I don’t get it."

"You’re too young!"

"And you’re too old!" 

Yunho only ruffles her hair.

She playfully swats his hand away and giggles, before turning away from him, and when she does, she spots Gunee heading towards them.

"It’s Gunee!" She waves her hands, and Yunho perks up immediately. 

The boy is beaming, handsome with his baseball cap and denim jacket. He approaches them, he is all by himself though, "Eunchae! Oh, and hi, Yunho samcheon!"

Yunho shakes his hand like a proper man, and Gunee loves it, because it feels like a sign of acceptance.

"You’re alone?"

Gunee doesn’t quite understand the reason for the question, but he looks up at the older man before nodding. 

There is a disappointment that washes over Yunho, but he had no business expecting Jaejoong to show up anyway. Maybe he was too greedy to want this to conveniently be their next meeting. It would’ve been much easier to have Gunee and Eunchae there to lighten the atmosphere, before he opens up about the things he wants to tell to him. 

He should just call him. He should’ve called him days ago.

"I’ll just get our passes," Yunho gets distracted from his thoughts by a bubbly Eunchae. She bounces off cheerfully to the ticketing window, leaving Yunho and Gunee together on their own.

Yunho sees him take a huge gulp, he knows he’s feeling anxious, and he smiles watching him, wanting him to feel less distressed. "Gunee."

The younger boy turns to him immediately, just like how a soldier would promptly address his superior. It’s endearing how stiff he is.

Yunho lowers his head to speak into his ears."She loves ice cream, and her favourite flavour is salted caramel," Yunho hands Gunee extra money for ice cream, winking at him, anything to make him feel less nervous. He’s got to admit, the boy is growing on him. 

The teenager appreciates it, grinning as widely as he can. There’s nothing cooler than getting dating advice from your date’s legendary uncle. He mouths a quick thank you, as Eunchae comes back, excitedly holding their passes.

"Ready?" She asks, cheeks puffy from her smile.

"Ready!"

They exchange grins.

The teenagers say goodbye to Yunho one last time, both of them walking together to the entrance. Gunee, who feels like he’s floating, suddenly stops his tracks as he realises why Yunho had asked him if he was alone.

"Ah! Eunchae! Wait here for a second!" The puzzled girl looks at him, brows knitted together as he swiftly leaves her.

Yunho watches in confusion as Gunee runs towards him, not really sure of what he’s doing. He stops right in front of him, still smiling a big smile. "Jaejoong samcheon is in his favourite spot. In the Han River. He likes spending his weekend afternoons there."

It was the least he can do to repay Yunho’s valuable advice. Yunho shakes his head at him, and lets out a chuckle. "Thank you. Now go on, she’s waiting for you."

If it was even possible, Gunee’s smile becomes brighter as he says his final goodbye and heads back towards Eunchae.

"What was that about?" She asks with a small pout on her lips, but all that is erased when Gunee whispers to tell her. She lets out a tiny, excited, squeal, before a fit of giggles overflow from out of her mouth.

* * *

Jaejoong is sitting on one of the steps leading down the walkway by the side of the Han River. He’s on a less popular spot, a little farther away from the centre of the city. He likes it there, it’s a lot more quiet, and he enjoys the sound of the flowing water, even with the occasional interruption of the speedy cars passing by. 

He has a phone in his hand, and Yunho’s number is on the screen. He’s been thinking about it for the past few days, calling him, but he never does. He is afraid for some reason. He likes to think he’s had plenty years of being independent and building courage for himself, yet a phone number is making him nervous.

Had he been younger he would’ve called Yunho instantly, whenever his whim fancies, no hesitation. Good or bad, hearing his voice used to be always better than nothing.

It was favourite his weapon of choice against him too. Never underestimate a phone in the hands of someone with ill intention. 

He’s done venomous things to Yunho with it. 

A feigned accidental call, while he’s with another man, letting Yunho hear him moan someone else’s name. 

Sending him photos of being touchy towards a young lady he met at a bar to make him jealous. 

Leaving messages he knows Yunho’s partner would see to cause problems between them. 

Calling, asking him to come fetch him from god knows where at three in the morning, knowing that he has an early schedule, to prove that Yunho would do anything for him. 

All that to feel important, to trick Yunho, and somehow assure himself that he still cared. 

Yunho retaliated by not picking up for weeks, not shedding an ounce of kindness, even when he knows Jaejoong is calling for real, when it was truly important, even when Jaejoong absolutely needed it. 

It was like a complicated game between them where causing pain can lead to vindication, and other times causing pain leads to anguish upon themselves, more than to the other.

They were bad for each other, never as bad as how good they were at their best though, but even that goodness stopped being worth it at a certain point.

Jaejoong looks out into the river, cold wind hits his skin, and he warms his face, blowing hot air into his palms.

_Jaejoong watches as Yunho is livid, he shouts to the ceiling, frustrated as to why none of his words can get through to him. "Why must you always have everything you want? Fucking compromise for once. You can’t have it all, Jaejoong!”_

_"Why not? I deserve it. You deserve it. Why can’t you and I have it all?"_

_It was a fight they’ve had countless times. Yunho was happy with where they were, Jaejoong wasn’t._

_"Because it’s greedy. The fact that we have what we have right now is a miracle. What you want, that isn’t how the world we live in works."_

_"Then I guess I have to live it with someone who believes it does!" Jaejoong snaps back, equally frustrated, and equally angry._

_"Am I not enough Jaejoong?" Yunho sounds exhausted._

_"I—"_

_"No. Don’t answer. The last time I asked you that, you filed a lawsuit and left me." Yunho slows down his breath, looking at him dead in the eyes. The anger hasn’t departed from him completely, but he is more disappointed, sad even, because he realises where this is going._

_Jaejoong is quiet now, anger no longer enough to construe his feelings. Yunho is being completely cruel to him. He knows how much bringing that up hurts Jaejoong, and yet he’s done it. It takes some time before he speaks again. "Yunho, why can’t you do this for me?"_

_"You’re asking for too much."_

_"You’re the only one who thinks it’s too much." It comes in a whisper, and they know the fight is done, their relationship is done. He doesn’t understand why Yunho is scared, why he can’t trust him. He needed Yunho to trust him._

_Yunho goes back to his room, completely exhausted. Jaejoong sits on the sofa, hands grazing through his hair in frustration._

_Later that night, they both wait until they’re no longer angry. They find themselves on Yunho’s bed side, sitting next to each other by the edge, talking, calm in making decisions they know they can never turn back on._

_There is something about the way they look at each other that night. They’ve gone through this so many times before, but they knew then and there that it was going to be different. They’ve gone through break ups where both of them were crying like little children,_

_…where Jaejoong was clinging to Yunho for dear life and begging him to stay,_

_…where Yunho’s hand was bleeding, as he’d broken the glass in his hand to stifle the pain he feels inside because Jaejoong was being too harsh and apathetic towards him._

_But this, this time, it was eerily calm. They were both just tired of it all. It was unlike any other time in the past, it is the most unequivocal and resigned either of them had been. It was final. The last. They both knew it. It was going to be the last time they ever break up._

* * *

Yunho stands still for a moment. He’s found Jaejoong. He’s hunched over the steps leading to a walkway.

It’s his favourite spot. Gunee was right. Yunho knows he should’ve come sooner, but it took him a while to find it, making mistakes, stopping in the wrong places several times. His memory wasn’t as good as he would’ve liked it to be.

It doesn’t matter. He eventually got there.

He walks towards Jaejoong, calmly, knowing that the other man is deep in thought. Jaejoong feels him when he sits down next to him. He doesn’t panic, looking over to Yunho, somewhat glad to see his familiar face.

"You found me."

"I did." 

They’re both muted in their voices.

"This is why fans used to go crazy over us. Right place, at the right time again, huh? Ahh. Fate." Jaejoong is only joking. He knows that fate has very little to play. Human error almost always wins over it.

"Don’t give too much credit to fate, Gunee tipped me off."

"That boy." They share a snicker, both in a way, relieved that they’re together again. 

"I was going to call you," Jaejoong says when they become quiet again.

"Really?"

"To tell you that I’m okay, and that we’ll be okay. Even with what happened. I missed you, Yunho. Even just as someone in my life. I realised that these past few days, I really did."

Yunho feels like someone lifted a huge load out of his chest. He missed him too.

Before he forgets, Yunho reaches for the book that’s been sitting in his coat pocket. He hands it to Jaejoong, "He got you a copy of his third book. Sample press. It’s not even released yet, so he says you can sell it off, if ever you need money from your bad financial decisions.”

Yunho smiles when he sees Jaejoong’s face light up at his surprise.

Jaejoong opens the book, flipping through the pages. He reaches the end and there is a note, ‘Read the whole damn thing! - Changmin,’ it says. Changmin is still as cheeky as ever.

"Remind me to give him a signed copy of my album next time," he tries to be equally snide, but Yunho sees his glee through it.

"He said he’ll call you, said it’s only fair for you to cook for him as well."

Jaejoong is biting his lip, he can’t hold in his smile. He’d love that, he’d definitely love to cook for Changmin.

"You met with him."

"I had to talk to him about something. He’s always been the pragmatic one." 

"Oh," he doesn’t need to read far into Yunho to know it probably had something to do with him.

"I had doubts."

"Doubts?"

"Like about what I’m going to tell you." Yunho looks at him, straight in the eyes, sincerity pouring over. Jaejoong finds himself holding his breath, hearing that is already making his heart race. Yunho’s been making his heart race a lot recently.

Yunho licks his chapped lips before speaking. "When we were younger, I used to doubt us a lot. There would be so many voices, adults telling me about what love is supposed to be, friends telling me about what kind of person I am, colleagues and higher ups, telling me what was good for me. A lot of them, most of them, say that when you find the right person, it’s easy. Everything was supposed to be easy, but we were different. Not just different, we were the complete opposite, we were difficult. Very, insanely, horribly difficult."

Yunho takes a pause, breaking away from looking at Jaejoong, a little embarrassed at the jumble of words he’s speaking out. He probably sounded weird. Jaejoong probably thinks it’s nonsense, but he needs to say it, even if it’s just for his own good. He continues, "But that’s not the true, is it? There is no right person, just people you love. You choose them, every time. Through the pain and frustration, the doubts, everything. And we made a choice, god, I can’t even remember how many years ago that was, but we made a choice that we would finally stop choosing each other."

Yunho turns to Jaejoong again. "Remember when you said we’d be better people without each other?"

Jaejoong nods. "It was good for us, to be apart. I, I think I was right about that." 

Yunho can’t tell exactly what Jaejoong means by what he said, and it frightens him a little, that maybe he still thinks they’re better apart. 

He reminds himself that he came knowing that he could back away if he needed to. It’s harder now that he’s there though. He thinks that he may have lied to Changmin when he said he could.

Life is funny like that, offering something you didn’t know you wanted, and when you finally fall into it, it can so easily be taken away.

He goes on anyway, making a resolve to say his piece. "Ye—yes, we needed to be away from each other to be better people. I think I did. I think I became better, it was hard, but I’m a better person because I loved you, and because I learned how to stop loving you. And it’s the same for you, isn’t it? We’ve become better people, and maybe, now that we’re better—," Jaejoong freezes at his words. He knows what’s coming next, "—maybe we can make it work." 

Jaejoong doesn’t know if he wanted to hear that. He didn’t know exactly what he wanted when he thought he wanted to talk to Yunho. To be friends and ignore everything, he’d imagined that. He’d imagined the possibility of this too, of them getting back together, but none of that prepared him for the wave of emotions and confusion that is rushing all over him. The pain that had been gone for so long is suddenly back.

It’s different when it’s real. It’s different when Yunho is so handsome and sincere in front of him.

Jaejoong breaks away from Yunho, and thinks about what he’s just heard. It takes a while before he gets up, he takes a few steps down to the walkway. He paces, hand grazing his temple. It’s a mannerism he’s formed when he’s trying to pull himself together. 

He finally looks over to Yunho. "It took so long to get over you." There is apprehension in the tone of his voice. It took a lot, it really did take a lot of himself to get through living his own life without Yunho. "I thought the world would stop without you, but it didn’t, and all I had to do was go on. It felt like I was crawling my way through every single day."

It was hard, damn hard, wanting to die because he couldn’t mend his heart back together, sleepless nights, sunrises met with tears, places he took years before he could visit again because it reminded him of Yunho. It was countless, the glasses of whiskey, the senseless sex, drugs, anything to drown Yunho out. 

"I’m sorry."

Jaejoong doesn’t answer him, and Yunho takes that as a hint. 

His heart sinks. This, this could’ve been their chance, his chance, but maybe chances ran out more than a decade ago. They could’ve fixed things, they tried, and it never worked, maybe no matter how much time goes by, it won’t. All the ups and downs they’ve had together, all the years spent together, maybe all that is supposed to be left behind. No matter how much they’ve changed, maybe they were never meant to be together. 

He understands Jaejoong, completely. He took his shot, and maybe it’s better if Jaejoong stood by their choice all those years ago.

They were a dream, a nightmare sometimes, but like either of those, they were meant to wake up from it and live a different reality.

They look at each other, and Yunho tries to gather himself as well. He takes a while but he gets there, gathering his thoughts, and playing out what he wants to do.

He finally stands up as well, heading towards Jaejoong, who is still there, standing in stillness. Jaejoong tries to study him as he approaches. When Yunho stands closely in front of him, he lets him. 

Yunho takes a lock of his hair, disheveled by the autumn wind, and tucks it to the back of his ear. Jaejoong’s heart pounds.

"Sorry."

He’s smiling an understanding smile when he starts talking again. "Okay. It’s okay. We’re okay, Jaejoong. I’ll still be here. No ultimatums, no conditions."

Yunho says it so warmly, and so surely. He’s not expecting anything, and Jaejoong just feels his blood rush everywhere in his body, his lungs constrict in an overwhelming tightness. He’s never seen Yunho that way before. He tries to remember why they had to be away from each other, but it’s so long ago, and all that crosses his mind is how handsome, how interesting, and how dear Yunho has been for the past few days. All he sees is the man who is looking at him now, with affectionate eyes that are telling him not to be afraid.

And it’s convincing. So, so, convincing.

He takes a step closer, as if his body has no choice. They’ve been in this position too many times. 

Yunho is surprised but he stands his ground, own breath falling short when he sees a shift in Jaejoong’s expression. His mind is swirling with so much uncertainty. What now? He waits again, quietly, patiently, until the other settles on a thought.

"We’ve only known each other again for two days. You don’t know me anymore, Yunho."

"Me too. I know," Yunho says, hope bubbles in him again, and when Jaejoong doesn’t reply for a while, he tries to soothe him, "I want to get to know you."

"I might still be a pain in the ass." 

"You can try my patience." 

Jaejoong thinks he’s sweet. 

"I can’t mess around anymore. I’m too old to waste time." 

"I thought you were thirty?" 

Jaejoong finally bursts out laughing, and he sees Yunho’s hopeful eyes when he does. Pausing, he just looks into them. 

What if they could finally have it all?

Jaejoong pictures it, growing old with Yunho. Spending boring nights on the couch while watching half decent cheesy dramas followed by vanilla sex because they’re too tired for anything kinky, getting annoyed with him because he lost his glasses for the tenth time the same day, getting foot rubs at dawn, dyeing each others’ grey hair, baby sitting nephews and nieces together, and getting into fights because Yunho sneaks them chocolate pies before dinner.

It makes him smile but he doesn’t linger on the thoughts for too long. If this was going to happen again, he won’t rely on expectations. Not anymore. It would just be him and Yunho, and that might just be enough. No pasts, or futures. Just now.

He wants what he wants, and he knows that the most stubborn part of him will always be his heart. It always has been.

"Jaejoong," Yunho speaks up, wanting to ask a question, just in case Jaejoong hasn’t completely made up his mind. 

He doesn’t have to ask though.

He watches as Jaejoong takes another deep breath, another step closer.

Jaejoong lifts up his left hand, and at first Yunho is confused as to why, but he sees it. He realises that he’s wearing a ring, not just any ring, it’s a simple, gold, Cartier band. 

He stares for a moment, unable to speak.

Is that? It is. It is the same one from more than a decade ago.

Jaejoong looks at him expectedly, a little bashful, like he’s embarrassed for doing something so stupid.

But it’s not stupid, and Yunho breaks a smile, and he can’t stop.

That’s his answer.

Jaejoong shakes his head at him. He knows that smug look on his face, and just then he thinks he’s made the right decision. "Oh don’t be so smug, Jung Yunho, I wear it because it’s a pretty piece of jewelry, and it keeps the gold diggers away." Jaejoong smiles that mischievous smile. 

"Don’t lie," Yunho says quietly as he takes a step even closer as well, their hips brushing against each other. 

Yunho lowers his head, and Jaejoong looks up, they’re close enough that Jaejoong is almost whispering. "I took it out a few days ago, and for some reason, it felt right on my finger, it hasn’t felt like that in years."

"And you didn’t take it off?" Yunho, closes their faces together even more.

"I couldn’t."

That is all Yunho needs to hear. Jaejoong was going to be his again, and he wants to jump, and run, and scream it to the world. If he had been younger, he would have, but instead his smile just grows bigger, and he bends down on his lips, wanting to kiss him, and maybe that would be enough to show Jaejoong about how deliriously happy he is.

As their faces close, Jaejoong puts a finger between them, a hint of warning marring his face.

"People might see us."

Yunho shakes his head. "I’ve stopped caring about that," he says it softly, taking his hand away from blocking their lips, and linking it with his instead. His face doesn’t stop moving closer.

"Yunho—"

"No more walls this time."

He tugs him back, and they kiss. It is unlike the one they had a few nights before. They are more sure, and so they deepen it quicker. Jaejoong puts his hands on Yunho’s jaw, as he guides him to move with him, tongues dancing in tandem. It just feels so good, and the only thing wrong with it, is that they should be closer, so Yunho tries to fix that, wrapping his hands around he back of his back protectively, Jaejoong smiles against him when he does.

They don’t know how long they go before they part. Jaejoong shivers at the cold gust of wind that brushes against them, but it’s not a problem anymore because all he has to do is tuck himself in Yunho’s embrace to find warmth.

"I’ve been thinking about doing that since Tuesday," Jaejoong whispers against his neck.

"Oh, I’ve been thinking about more than a kiss," Yunho teases. Jaejoong looks up to a devilish smirk, and it reminds him so much of Yunho’s younger self, always insatiable, always wanting him. 

Jaejoong let’s out a tiny laugh, before pulling away, and taking a good look at him, this new Yunho who is familiar, but not completely. He puts a hand on Yunho’s cheek again. His expression falling serious, he looks deep into his face, and begins tracing it with his finger. He goes lightly across his lips, passing through the mole on its left side, tracing the bridge of his nose, making his way to the scar around his eyes, and even his tiny wrinkles. Yunho moves his eyebrows a little, feeling ticklish when Jaejoong’s finger pads pass through them, and finally, his hand finds its way to the back of his head, with fingers playing around with his hair, he used to love doing that. "This doesn’t feel real. That all this time, it’s still you. It really doesn’t feel real."

"Maybe it isn’t."

"Don’t say that."

"Okay, I won’t say anything," Yunho shuts up by landing another kiss, and Jaejoong goes with it, completely, all willing. 

There is a familiar feeling rushing through Jaejoong’s body. The same one he felt when he first said, ‘I love you’ to Yunho in a cramped hospital bed all those years ago. It’s the same feeling when Yunho was exploring his body, skin against skin, in a pretty little room in Paris that they’d promised they’d go back to together one day. It’s the same feeling when Yunho warmed his hand at an awards show, with lights dark, sitting so far back from the stage, inside their secret bubble. It’s the same feeling when Yunho walked into his apartment and said, ‘I’m home’ after coming back from the military.

That familiar feeling when he knows everything is right in the world.

* * *

Eunchae throws herself back to the biggest, softest, bounciest, bed she’s ever lied down on. She pops in her mouth the small piece of caramel chocolate she had picked up from the bedside table. Free sweets by complements of the hotel manager. She rolls over, tucking herself in the sheets. She makes her way to the other side of the bed, grabbing the remote control as she starts flipping through the expansive selection of movies.

She is enjoying her uncle’s presidential suite, and all is good in life. She feels so happy she might explode.

Her mother dropped her off earlier. Tonight is going to be her third date with Gunee, they’re going to watch a movie and have dinner after. Once again her uncle is going to accompany her. This time though, she’s very much excited about him tagging along.

"Samcheon! Are you done yet?"

Just at that moment, the walk-in closet door opens, and Yunho comes out wearing a brown jacket, over a black turtle neck that matches his dark jeans. "Is this better?" he asks his niece who had earlier told him he _could do better_ with his outfit.

She sits up from her comfortable bedsheet sushi roll, shedding the heaps of unnecessary fabric around her as she approaches him. They’re both dressed a little bit fancier than usual, but that night was a special night.

She comes on her tip toes, dainty fingers brushing away some of his hair to the side, before taking a look at him again.

"Perfect."

On another side of Seoul, Jaejoong squeezes his eyes shut, as he drinks down his third shot of whiskey. He is sitting in a quiet cafe, and sitting across him is an acutely amused Gunee. 

"Jaejoong samcheon."

"Yes?"

"You’re going to be great."

Jaejoong scowls at him, and he does nothing but laugh. "You’re handsome, and strong, and you have the biggest heart in all of Korea. Yunho is lucky to have you." He remembers his uncle’s words, and steals it to humour his uncle.

"Don’t pull my leg, Gunee. I’m not giving you extra cash for popcorn," he lowers his head to look at the younger boy in the eye.

"Geez. You’re grumpy. I’ll tell Yunho you’re mean and horrible to your nephews and he’ll want to run away to Gwangju and never see you again," he teases, and laughs at the comical way Jaejoong’s face morphs into different expressions.

Just then, Gunee catches a glimpse of the entrance, the door opening and closing as two people enter. "They’re here!"

Jaejoong’s heart suddenly skips a beat.

Gunee stands up to greet Eunchae with a hug, and Yunho with a firm handshake.

Jaejoong only stares at the well dressed, handsome man in front of him. Yunho is smiling at him, a tad bit shy, but there is nothing that can go wrong.

Eunchae interrupts their gazes as she turns to her uncle, "We’ll be late for the movie."

"A-ah. Yes. Make sure you two come back here right after. Our—"

"Our reservation is at 8:00," she rolls her eyes at her uncle, still in a really good mood nevertheless.

"Don’t be cheeky with me, I’ll change that reservation to a table for two instead of four."

"I promise we’ll be back." She gives him the sweetest smile. She wouldn’t miss it for the world. She loves fancy restaurants. She turns to Jaejoong as well, smile growing even bigger, "See you later!"

Jaejoong waves back, and the two teenagers bid them farewell, leaving the cafe together. Yunho doesn’t miss the way Gunee grabs her hand, and Jaejoong doesn’t miss the way his body stiffens from seeing it. 

"Oh let them be," he lets out a laugh.

Taking a page off the teenagers’ books, they decided to go out on a date that night as well.

They are alone now, and Yunho turns back, taking a seat in front of his companion.

All else is forgotten when they face each other. There is a bashfulness in Jaejoong’s face, and Yunho doubts he looks any better, his own chest pounding furiously.

It feels like they’re the only two people in the world.

They’re a little unsure, but it’s exciting.

"So…"

"Where do we begin?"

"From the start?"

It’s their first real date after so many years.

Jaejoong smiles at him. He likes that, starting all over. "It’s nice to meet you again, Jung Yunho." He is excited to get to know it all, to find out what hasn’t changed, and even more, what has changed. The parts of Yunho that changed without him, and even the ones that changed because of him.

"Likewise, Kim Jaejoong." Yunho looks at Jaejoong. The face of the man he loved, and unloved, during what seemed to be a lifetime ago. It’s the same face he thinks he finally has a chance to spend the rest of his life with.

.

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The full moon is bright against the dark sky, and Yunho and Jaejoong are leaning against the hood of Jaejoong’s car. Dinner ended a few hours ago, but the kids, who are now fast asleep in the backseat, head against one another, had convinced them to go on a small road trip around Seoul. They saw some article on the internet that said the moon was beautiful that night, and so they should go somewhere high up to look.

Neither of them stayed awake for it though. It took a while to get up to a quiet little spot in nearby hills, away from the city lights.

It doesn’t matter, the adult couple are enjoying themselves.

"I haven’t had this much fun in a long time," Yunho says, taking a swig off the cheap can of convenience store beer they’d gotten on the way.

"Me too," Jaejoong says, looking up at the moon, it really was beautiful. 

His lips are a little swollen because they’d been making out like teenagers. He likes how Yunho’s made him feel young again. 

He’s content, and still not fully believing that Yunho is beside him like this again.

Yunho watches him, the subtle curve on his lips making his heart race stubbornly, and Jaejoong catches it. "What?"

He only shakes his head quietly in response.

Yunho looks back at the moon as well, "You know, it’s much easier to see the sky like this in Gwangju."

Oh. Jaejoong has almost forgotten that, that he has to go back. "Yea? I should go see it sometime."

It’s way to soon to sort out living arrangements. "I have to go home for a bit, but I’ll be back in Seoul, and maybe we can make arrangements about how we can make this—us—uhh...work."

"You don’t need to. I mean, it’s not—I’m not like how I used to be—"

"I know. I want to. We’ve spend too much time apart already."

"Okay." Jaejoong agrees, his chest still swelling at what Yunho is implying. Just then, his phone rings, and he picks it up, almost dropping when he sees who it is in the caller ID.

He looks up to Yunho, eyes wide, mouth hanging open, and his heart feels like it just stopped. His hands are definitely shaking. 

"Who is it?"

"Changmin." Jaejoong says looking back at his phone again, this time, biting his lip trying to hide a stupid grin from his lover. 

"I told you, he said he’d call."

It’s still ringing, and he shouldn’t be staring because, what the hell is he doing keeping their youngest waiting?

Then it stops, and Jaejoong darts at Yunho once more, this time with distress, afraid that he had messed it up by being too…happy about it that he couldn’t answer. "I—"

Yunho only chuckles at him, he’s still adorable.

The phone rings again, and Jaejoong stares at it again.

"What are you doing? Answer it." Yunho can’t really see well enough through the dark, but maybe Jaejoong’s eyes are a tad bit watery.

Jaejoong nods, and moves away from the car. He presses the green button on his phone, chewing a finger nervously as he waits for it to connect, and it does, and he can’t help the smile on his face when he hears the voice on the other end.  "Changmin-ah"

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Hiiii~! First off, big big big big big big big thanks to the mods of Jaeho Exchange. I enjoyed writing this, as well as reading the works of other authors. They really are the best. ;~;
> 
> Thank you as well to everyone who commented on AFF and twitter. Huhuhu. I loved reading them! And ofc, thank you to Yani my beta again. <3 
> 
> If this is your first time time reading it, I hope you enjoyed! This is an edited version of what was originally posted for exchange, since I have read it again. And to those /who have/ read this, I hope you enjoyed the bonus scene. Tee hee~ I had to put that in there, specially with the recent news. 
> 
> Oh oh. And I think, because of the title, some people have confused this being based on "With Love" instead of "November with Love", but I mean, that's not wrong! I've already said it on twitter, but I tend to listen to music to help me get through writing, and for this one, I made a whole playlist, "With Love" was definitely included, so yea, it's based on that too! Playlist link is here if anyone is interested. :3
> 
> As usual: FEED ME WITH COMMENTS PLS. Let me know what you think, and also, how do you imagine IRL YunJae?


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